Happy Birthday "Mom"

Though Steven Tyler sang his heart out in Aerosmith’s 1997 hit, “Hole In My Soul,” traces of the melody can still be found woven throughout my being. Whether through an empty past (feelings of abandonment), a holy discontented present (grieving the loss of what was supposed to be while simultaneously placing my hope in Jesus), or an ever longing for our future date of reconciliation (where all of creation is restored into perfect harmony with God), at times my heart still sings the chorus clearly. Today is one of those times. It also just so happens to be my mom’s birthday, her 53rd birthday - and I should also add - Aerosmith is one of her favorite bands. And to make things a bit more complex, we haven’t talked since November 9th, 2018 (which happened to be my 35th birthday). If I was counting, I’d tell you it’s been 431 days since we last exchanged words and 13,215 days of feeling the gravity of the lyrics to a dumb pop-rock alternative crossover hit…

There's a hole in my soul
That's been killing me forever
It's a place where a garden never grows
There's a hole in my soul
Yeah, I should have known better
'Cause your love's like a thorn without a rose

My mother and I have somewhat of a complicated and multifaceted relationship. Contextually divergent from the lyrics’ intended use, the chorus reminds me of our separation. As a 36-year-old man, it’s frustrating hoping things will be different.

Hoping a letter arrives from an overseas address.

Hoping an email pops into my inbox.

Hoping to receive a call.

Hoping as a means to not accept my current state of reality.

And though I once allowed all that misplaced hoping to make me sick (Proverbs 13:12), Jesus cleaned me up and got me off the drugs. That being said, there is still a sadness over the loss of a childhood spent without parents. I used to think that because Christ gave His life for me, I didn’t have the right to mourn my old life…that instead, I had to wholeheartedly embrace a new life without ever looking back. Knowing what I know now, I do not believe it is an either-or type of situation. There can be a duality in mourning over past hurts while steadfastly placing our hope in Jesus. Much of the Gospel narrative reveals people who mourn and are burdened (Matthew 11:28-30).

And though moments like today strike grief like a hangnail, unlike Aerosmith’s lyrics, there is a place where the garden grows. Because of Jesus, I no longer have to succumb to the overwhelming frustrations of bereavement. I am no longer crippled by resentments and deferred hope because Jesus is my longing fulfilled - He is the tree of life! He is my Tree of Life.

Because God is my Father (Romans 8:15) I no longer fear abandonment. He will never leave me, never forsake me (Deut. 31:6).

With my hope anchored in the one who never fails (Philippians 4:19), I can forgive the one(s) who failed me, more specifically, my mom. Because even if my mother completely loses remembrance of my being, God will never forget me.

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!

Isaiah 49:15 NIV

Even though our words are silenced between the vast amount of drift between us, “Happy Birthday Mom, I pray it’s your best year yet.”

xoxo

joshua